joie de vivre

posted : October 31, 2010

I'm pretty sure by now you would or rather should have realised that each time you say that I'm heartless, have no emotions, stick to my table, don't talk to others and have dinner together, there is stabbing pain ripping my chest apart that all I can do is look away and pretend I didn't hear anything.

It really doesn't help that things are this way. My sister is away chasing her dreams. It hits me harder every night when I enter the room to the sleep coz it feels empty even though technically there is someone in the room. And sometimes even Skype and BBM don't help. The comfort I had for a period of time left coz even though I knew the time was coming, I couldn't accept it. The fortnightly calls when I hear you break down really doesn't help as well. I share a fake relationship with my brother. He is trying to put in effort and talk even though I'm always having my headphones on. Since the sister is not here to mediate issues, we should at least be amicable right. But, I reply him. I just don't talk. I can't help that coz that's how we've been for a while. Long while. I can't remember when was the last time he wished me for my birthday. But suddenly now he brings up having a family dinner on tuesday. My dad. I know he loves me. He just doesn't know how to show it. And because we fight more than we talk, I don't know if she does. So yes. I am allowed to be me.

I know I haven't helped since yesterday like how your son has. You said you're living your second life. I can't understand. No one would. Even I thought I went through that when the boat flipped and my spectacles flew. But maybe not. Again, no one can understand. Coz I went through that alone as well. We can't even compare which is worse. Indeed, to each his own.

But whatever the case maybe I'm not a nice person. Maybe I was nice and then changed. Or maybe I was never nice. Which is why at 17 I didn't ask you, I told you to send me away to a girls home. I appreciate the constitution of a family. I just will never be happy with mine. But then again who does except for a rare few who have it the easy way.

I wanted the shower to make me less zombie. But, little did I know the timing was perfect so that I can clear my head also as the water runs down. I hope it did the trick - to be less sad and broken.

How is this possible after last night's drinks? I guess, when you are happy, you have to be sad also. To appreciate happiness more.

8:54 PM