joie de vivre

posted : January 5, 2009

A change. A subtle change relative to time. But nevertheless, observing my childhood which was a rather quiet one, I grew up very obedient I must say. Abiding my parents words, even strangers at times. Being the silent daughter that never spoke unless coerced. I cared a lot about looking prim and proper, spilling beans on my dress, getting myself all muddy and dirty after play and what nots. I never had the guts I must say to venture beyond the circle I closed myself within. But I still had my fair share of memories, climbing over the gate coz my brother did exactly that to get into school to play soccer. I would just sit watch a bunch of guys kick one ball and smile to myself. Come back home to discover my lil’ sister playing dolls with our neighbour. Yes I am no. 2 in the family and also the one who is stuck in between. The neither here nor there case. Neither was tugging the smelly yucky tees of a bunch of older guys nor was I playing dress up and immersing myself in the Barbie World. Which till today I admit hasn’t changed. But what I know or at least have been told by my primary school mate as well as the one who very much saw throught the formative years of me. I’m no longer that submissive, obedient little girl who sits in the corner of the kitchen slowly nibbling on her dinner. Alas, I’ve grown up in a very selfish world which has taught me a whole load of things and I must say never fails to surprise me every day. I’ve grown up into someone who questions her existence in the world, her purpose, her future. Who tries to seek answers to all the questions that buzz through her mind every single minute. Who is still trying to establish her footing on the ground. Who is still in the process of discovering the substance in her. Who needs to get her way in certain things or would get very upset over it. Who thinks that sometimes she can survive on her own and that very next minute whine to someone on how alone she is. Yes, I’m that very complicated jigsaw pieced together. But one thing is very distinct and clear cut; I’m still a very emotional idiot.

Yet, I would say its coz I was no 2. I grew up independent. Having only myself to face what was before me. To even plaster a smile after I got myself into trouble with a bunch of rowdy fellows. Who still has to act brave after trying to do heroic acts which landed up in a longkang. Being no. 2 made me independent and somewhat strong.

8:51 PM