joie de vivre

posted : July 8, 2007

At times I wonder how it would be like to conduct a living funeral. To see really what people have to say about you, how true, sincere they all are really cause at this point of my life I feel like there’s no one whom I have that kind of trust on. I dunno if he’s genuine or just playing all along. But its emotions, feelings you are playing with. You don’t have a right to that unless you are someone I can call my own. If not why play. Quit this game we started. You made me play along. I somehow did. Fell hard, bruised myself, continued playing and fell again now bruised even harder. Is this all worth it I wonder yet again. I wish you were here with me helping me get out of this as I sit here all alone and ponder why I got involved again. Its all pleasures for the moment that someone is actually interested, trying to make you fall for them. That’s my weakness I gotta admit. Falling for words. That are just empty, meaningless. That carry no emotions along. I wish I was drunk. At least I won’t feel the pain then.

I feel like erasing my entire past and starting afresh. All of it except the part of my life where you entered my life with a significant purpose, role. For without you, I’m truly nothing, just dust by now. If only life was a eraser. Sadly we just gotta live with the past, learn from it, make sure we don’t repeat the mistakes and create the future that we want for ourselves. Accomplish our goals. Find peace within ourselves. Seek happiness from those around us.

Entwined lives. The feeling that even if the whole world is to tumble down on you, there’s someone out there that actually will stand by you, have that undying faith, belief in you that no other has, love you till the end. Be with you through the ups and downs, highs and lows that life presents you with. To be just there by your side offering reassurance during the darkest moments and comfort during the toughest points of life. To understand without even having to be spoken to and explained. To be able to just read our expressions and understand our fears. To do just that. I’m glad. Really.

11:25 AM