The City That Never Sleeps
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posted : May 27, 2008
It’s not the end of the 2008 or something, but 6 months of the year is almost over. As I was tossing on bed last night to try very hard to fall asleep, I began thinking. Thinking about how January contrasted with present times. How drastically I’ve changed. Some for the better. Some for the worse. Some due to circumstances. Some due to time. One very disturbing change would be alcohol. I never made a vow to myself not to touch it or what. But somehow now I am very open to it. I haven’t come to terms with myself on this issue. I haven’t told myself where the line is drawn. It’s a feeling as if a grey matter is lingering over me with regards to it. Someday probably I wish to know where I stand on this. Another perturbing issue I am dealing with is my sudden urge to succumb to temptations. I was taught once. And now it’s very hard to get it out of my system. I know it will bring me nowhere. But yet, I’m not sure why I still do it. Is it coz of thrill, temptation, adrenaline rush. I’m not sure. But I did to put a full stop to this soon. Otherwise, my life could change drastically within a second of stupidity. I can’t afford to do it anymore. I know well enough. And on a side note, I think I’m a happier person. Despite the many, unsettled issues I deal with everyday, I’ve opened up to people more. I am skeptical. But still I trust. I give it a shot. My best. To be open about how I feel, the way I think. I may not know how to show my love and care sometimes, that I use reverse psychology to get by with things. But I’ve a message coming through if you think deep and try to figure out where I am coming from. And a reality hit me with the words I read yesterday during our conversation. The people whom I used to open up now are far away and have been replaced. Easily or not so. Different tracks for sure. But I still have my light house to anchor me and direct me through the dark and lonely times. 4 days. I feel empty without your presence at home. Having someone there to go disturb. And mumble crap to. To whine about the weather. To ask to play music so that I can fall asleep at night. To wake up in the middle of the night coz it’s cold. Only to see you tucking me under the blankets. To be there when I want to kiss someone goodnight. To kiss my on my forehead when I am sleeping soundly. To ask me if I was fine, alright, safe, happy. I love you more than I thought I did. And I miss you more than you ever know as well. And it’s only day 1. I hope you are safe and well. I wonder if I’m fated to feel complicated and alone. Hmmm. Hope sleep solves this mess. |
look at the stars, look how they shine for you.
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