joie de vivre

posted : March 30, 2008

Growing up it has always been you trying to infuse your thoughts, practices within me. Expectations on me to follow suit from the elder brother in so many billion, trillion aspects. Somehow I grew up during the formative years, trying to accept all of those imposed on me. The restrictions that bounded me. The ideology that family means world. It should have carried on, all those thoughts. But then, fortunately or not, as we grow older we begin seeing the world through our own glass. At various stages of life, different angles of course. Our values may change accordingly. We expect certain things from life, people around us, even ourselves. We seek happiness through various means. Even peace, solitude. At this juncture, its expected or vital for the people living around them to give them their own space. There should be an invisible line drawn, I believe. A mutual understanding. A two-way communication. I emphasis, a two-way communication. Not the kind that happens at present. That seeks consent from me for all the rules set. If I was mute, dumb, retarded, autistic probably I can live with everything around me and accept it with grudge. But for me it’s very hard to accept all the things you grumble about daily. I’ve formed my own set of thoughts about how I want to lead the present and what I have planned for the future on a personal aspect. The very things that provide you happiness and satisfaction may be the very thing which I find meaningless doing. And just coz I’ve been doing that for the past 19 years or so, doesn’t mean it has been ingrained in me and I am expected to follow yet again. And just cause the brother does it, shouldn’t mean anything. Coz as you would have already figured, we clash in many different aspects to begin with. So it’s basically pointless to compare elements without any common basis in the first place. So many thoughts all within me. I’m trying to suppress it all within coz it seems pointless even trying to voice it out to you. Coz this is such one of the weekly repeats in the mega serial my life runs on. A very painful present. A very very painful refuge I have to live in.

4:37 AM