joie de vivre

posted : February 4, 2008

I think the last time was when my grandfather was in the hospital.

I really miss him. More than words can ever say. I miss the fights and the talks we use to have. I miss how he always starts on his those days' stories and I would zone out after a while. I miss how I actually had someone to talk to when I came home after classes. Although my grandma's still around, it's just not the same. I remember how last year, I had given a comment to a friend, on how if my grandma ever had to go, I would be able to deal with the loss but if it was my grandfather I wouldn't know what I would do. The irony of life. Now, I'm not sure if I'm dealing with it at all. We don't talk bout him and his clothes are still here. His memory still lingers at every corner of this house and every step taken reminds me of him. I wish it wasn't this hard. I wish I had something to fill the void that had been created since he left. More than anything, I wish this pain would go away.

If only I could sit down with you and talk to you. Hold your hands and hear your stories. If I could have one last conversation with you, I would give my life ... just to have that one moment with you.

Happened to chance upon this on a random blog I hit. It made me think and reflect about my relationship with the older generation. As for me out of 4 I only consider 2 to be present. And out of the 2, only 1 is still able to relate to people around them and communicate. And as for me, I never really shared much with them apart from the usual questions that are exchanged during every meet up. Yes I do love them for being the ones who inevitably brought me to Earth as well. But at the same time, like how others seem to share a much deeper and closer bond with their grandparents, I wish I had such ties coz those would be a totally different angle compared to other ties I have at present. Ties with the older generation would give me a new perspective to life. It would allow me appreciate the present. Vision the past through their eyes. Do so many things with the older generation. Fish. Fly kite. Travel to their hometown. Cycle. Eat peanuts along the road. Sigh. I wish I felt more for them. I wish I connected more with them.

On another note, I really feel glad to have the few who are there by my side amidst all I do. Showing their support, concern, love. Sometimes it makes me wonder that people whom we once started off as strangers are the ones I turn to for comfort, support and strength when all along I was told it should be family. I ask where is my family? Am I blind or are you? Am I invisible or are my tears so? I wish I could have a mother’s lap which will be always there for me to make me feel loved. To absorb all my tears. To give me the strength. To offer me words of comfort during trying times. To be there to listen to me talk about petty fights among friends. To be there to listen to me blabber about all the guys I fancy in school. To be there to listen even when I’m not talking. To wake up in the middle of the night to calm me down after I had the scariest nightmare. To hold me against her chest when I’m crying and whisper to me that everything will be alright. And yet again, I am wishing.

3:10 PM