The City That Never Sleeps
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posted : February 10, 2008
Am I supposed to act like nothing did happen? Am I supposed to suppress all my anger, disappointment, tears and smile? Am I supposed to give respect, shower love when I get crumpled every single day? When every day tears my heart into millions of pieces. When everything begins to fall apart no matter how many times I reassure myself that everything will be fine. I wonder if I am the ultimate scapegoat for everybody to make use of. To use when needed and throw me away when they do not need me. Why grow me up like as if we were all one and now behave like as if the family can go on without me. Act like that if I am dead. I really wish I were. But for now, I’m alive. So don’t kill me alive please. I just needed to get that out of my system. But even then time and again, I cry and stop, and I continue crying. And I bleed perpetually within. Its very painful. A kind of feeling like as if you are choking, suffocating, as if it were your last few breaths in the world. Those painful breaths. I wish I was numb. I really do. I wonder who actually can see my tears through my façade of smiles and laughter. I wonder. A lot has happened over the past few days. Emotionally and physically I was very drained. People whom I expected to be there left me to face everything by myself. And time and again, I fail in reminding myself that it’s a cold world outside who wouldn’t bother about your presence. It fucking goddamn doesn’t sink into me. That nobody cares about you. It’s a feeling, which sucks to be in. But it’s my reality I gotta come to terms with and live with. For external sports spectra 2008, I just got a few words to sum everything up. I gave it my everything, but not my best and I wish I could do it all over again. I wish I could. But then again, how much better am I capable of delivering. So many times, I wondered if the world would point fingers at me at the end of 7th February 2008. For a show I put up that flopped, that went out of control. Someone could have taken over me and could have done it much better, way better. Communicated effectively, liased with relevant parties well, built rapport better, established networks stronger. Seems as though being a coordinator for spectra was a task that was beyond my capabilities afterall. I learnt a lot through the experience. Learnt how to handle people, work with people who never aligned with my wavelength of thoughts. It was really an experience I wouldn’t have gotten anywhere else. And I appreciate the opportunity that allowed me to do so. |
look at the stars, look how they shine for you.
Any usable chat widget goes in here.