joie de vivre

posted : January 21, 2008

Sometimes you are so clueless why some things happen. And if they happened to send you a signal, indication. Like for example, why you argue with a person, why a person dies, why family becomes broken and dysfunctional, why people whom you trusted betrayed and cheated on you. Why? Is it all the Almighty’s deeds to let all this things happen to teach the society something. To teach an invaluable lesson which mere words wouldn’t be able to put across. Humans are such. We need to experience it first hand to understand the message coming across to us.

Don't cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.

But I always wonder why some things turn out to be such. Family members who do not understand. Friendships that start off so fresh and pure, turn out stale and sour. The betrayal. The backstabbing. What’s the purpose of it all. To show who is stronger, who is weaker. To see whose tears stream down faster. It’s a game humans like to play among themselves. That’s why I say, “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people” while the creator watches from above the ruthless humans He has created.

Since young we always grow up thinking that ours is the perfect family, everybody fits in with everybody, you can’t find anybody outside family to love you like they do and so on.. But for me it has been different after a certain age. I realized that I didn’t fit into the whole family picture. My secondary school years were the worst. With teenage problems, mood swings, family issues nobody to turn to for a listening ear nor a shoulder to weep on. The countless nights I wish my eyes would never open the next day, so that I don’t have to handle the harsh realities that relatives loved my siblings more than me, that the brother loved his sister more than me. The only comfort I could draw was I knew I was amidst everything I was my father’s princess. A tiny lil’ princess. That was the only comfort I could draw to keep me going. But that too over time vanished with all the commitments, responsibilities he had outside which made me hit rock bottom in his priority list. It made me so sad. I guess that made me turn to people outside the family circle. I was left with no choice. Humans need company. We are social animals who seek company of another flesh at all times whether we admit it or not. And so, its no wonder even I ventured out of the family circle.

To me, I’ve grown up like how all girls did. Have a fairy tale, wish for the moon and yet not even land on the stars. The image of family that was crystallized on my mind, was a very happy and peaceful family that many movies left me with. The kind of family that allows every members voice to be audible. To be able to spend actual quality time together. To have long deep conversations. To understand and love each other not coz we are meant to be a family but for being able to connect with another individual. Family is family. But family doesn’t always mean family. I don’t believe in arguing like the world is going to end and waking up the next day and acting like normal coz we’re afterall a family. Yes I agree. Family is family. But if you owe someone a sorry say it. If all it takes is a hug to make another feel comfortable, give it forthcomingly. We tend to close up on emotions when it comes to family. Mine is like that. I wish, if I ever were to, to raise a family which displays emotions like a river than flows endlessly. Bad analogy. But yeah you catch the drift. I had so much expectations, hopes for this family. That I would get endless love. That my parents would love me like there’s no tomorrow. Have siblings who are able to share their deepest secrets with me. So many expectations I built within myself to realise that 20 years under the roof with them would allow all of those hopes to come crashing down. To realise never will I be able to open myself up to my blood. To realise I will never receive the amount of love, which would make me tear thinking of it alone. Sigh. I wished too much for a family coz now the pain whenever I’m home breaks me into millions of pieces. I’m no more a lil’ princess. Nowhere close even. I wish my ability to hope became numb forever.

1:26 PM