joie de vivre

posted : December 17, 2007

Alright so many thoughts have been rising through ever since the conversation. About the choices we make choosing to be with wrong guys all our lives. The similarities we all have. Hmm. Irony about how we know we still love with all our heart as if he was The one when we know its not gonna work out. And can’t. That’s love. Sometimes its so hard to even come with reasons to why you fell in love in the first place. Cause all you know is that your heart just fell in love with that special someone. So whatever the case, no matter how deep it is, I know I gotta quit playing with our hearts. It’s a choice. A really hard one to make. But I guess I really need to do it coz no matter how possible it may seem over sms or phone conservation, all hopes are dashed in person. It just can’t be for 10001 reasons. So yeah..

On a different note, sometimes people always think relationships (in the guy and girl attached sense) have commitments and responsibilities. But to be frank even pure friendships do have a certain level of commitment involved. To maintain old friendships despite new friendships that blossom along the way in addition to the never ending workload NUS seems to bog us down with. Need I say more. So sometimes, being single also its own fair share of responsibilities as a person in a committed relationship.

Sometimes choices are so many in life that, that itself posses confusion for Mankind. If only there was no grey area in love. Just black or white. How clear would the whole picture be. Sigh.

Alright so almost 3 days nearly 4 days have passed since you both left. And the strangest thing is that I do not miss you both. Seriously cross my heart. Maybe cause I was never emotionally attached to family in the first place as compared to some of my friends. And I have so many reasons to why that is so. But very positive this no one would agree would me. On the way back I was imagining how it would have been like if I realise say later on in my life I was adopted into this family. What would my emotions be like when I receive the news? Would I be sad, angry or happy or a mixed feeling. I wonder. How would it be like if I was sent to girl’s home and grew up there. Spent all my life with inmates would have such defiance, anger, frustration in them. It’s interesting to think of how different life would be through various angles.

Amidst all of this various zillion this my god damn brain is thinking about and the number of people trying to needle me to find out what’s wrong (it’s huge but I really appreciate it for without each and every one of you I’m nothing), I feel that maybe the difference could be made by you. You used to make that bold difference but now. As I said I’ll let 2007 be over to decide if things between us still remain the same or either one of us has really changed. I’m giving it a few more days to discover and conclude.

I’m wishing for so many changes in 2008. For so much more possibilities, opportunities. For so many changes in my habits. To not submit to temptation so easily. So much I’m aspiring for the new year to give. Let’s see if I survive till then by the way.

I’m feeling this huge boulder of in front of me that would crumble down on me anytime. Its seems to frightening now that it is moments away from happening. Yeah. but then again I just wish you were here, literally here with me so that life for me would be much less of a struggle. You make a lot of difference in my life.

I wish you were here with me right now.

4:43 PM