The City That Never Sleeps
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posted : February 2, 2017
I'm starting to believe very strongly in negative energy from the people that surround me. I have been extremely careful with letting my guard down with people that surround my space. But now, I think I have to be exercise even more cautiousness. It's really scary to know the "intruders" that surround just to destroy one's peace and happiness.
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posted : March 15, 2016
This state that I'm in right now is toxic. It's nearing a year since I got home last May. If were to take stock of life since coming back I'd say I have achieved nothing. It's like I have not moved at all. I thought I had moved forward. But somehow, things screwed themselves over and in turn, I got screwed over. 2016 has been shit so far.
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posted : June 8, 2015
"When a husband loses his wife, they call him a widower. When a wife loses her husband, they call her a widow. And when somebody’s parents die, they call them an orphan. But there is no name for a parent, a grieving mother, or a devastated father who have lost their child. Because the pain behind the loss is so immeasurable and unbearable, that it cannot be described in a single word. It just cannot be described."
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posted : April 2, 2015
Arrived in a TP last evening and stepped into a very bleak future. It felt like we wouldn't be having any kind of work of sorts for at least the next 10 days. I am down to the last 400 in my account, which is 10% of what I begun this journey with (excluding the car). It didn't feel like the end of the world just yet. I still held on to that tiny flame of hope that was flickering from within. I thought of what anyone back home will tell me at this point. The mother would have laughed and said told you so. The dad would have told me I have survived well on the road this far and it's time to head back. The brother would have said find a real job back home.
But, having said all of that, I am still not at breaking point. Today, the future seems a bit brighter. We might have a job in a couple of days. Maybe, luck and our bank balance would change after Easter. Let's hope. And this point, if someone came to me to ask for a couple of dollars, I would gladly give. Money does not make you rich. Character does. And, all this lessons on the road is serving me well for the kind of future I want for myself. If things fit, I'll be happy. If not, I will just continue walking on. |
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posted : February 15, 2015
Sometimes people around us tend to say "you deserve better" with such ease, without much thought to what it actually means. Better is always subjective. You can be with people too good for you, who are good for you and the other extreme would be those that bring out the worse in you. I don't know much about love at all. But what I do know, you accept the love you think you deserve. It holds true in so many different fronts for me. Its hard sometimes to convince people or make other people understand matters of the heart. When it happens, it happens. There is know conscious calculated step, it is just falling head over heels. It's hard to rationalise or explain. Heart trumps the talk of the mind. And that's okay. It's just how things should be. He may not outshine me in qualifications, credentials, speech and everything else along those lines. But, in character, he outshines me in ways I cannot explain. And I stand proud to love a Man like him for that.
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posted : February 2, 2015
Still Alice
Dr. Alice Howland: Good morning. It's an honor to be here. The poet Elizabeth Bishoponce wrote: 'the Art of Losing isn't hard to master: so many things seem filled with the intent to be lost that their loss is no disaster.' I'm not a poet, I am a person living with Early Onset Alzheimer's, and as that person I find myself learning the art of losing every day. Losing my bearings, losing objects, losing sleep, but mostly losing memories...
[she knocks the pages from the podium]
Dr. Alice Howland: I think I'll try to forget that just happened.
[crowd laughs]
Dr. Alice Howland: All my life I've accumulated memories - they've become, in a way, my most precious possessions. The night I met my husband, the first time I held my textbook in my hands. Having children, making friends, traveling the world. Everything I accumulated in life, everything I've worked so hard for - now all that is being ripped away. As you can imagine, or as you know, this is hell. But it gets worse. Who can take us seriously when we are so far from who we once were? Our strange behavior and fumbled sentences change other's perception of us and our perception of ourselves. We become ridiculous, incapable, comic. But this is not who we are, this is our disease. And like any disease it has a cause, it has a progression, and it could have a cure. My greatest wish is that my children, our children - the next generation - do not have to face what I am facing. But for the time being, I'm still alive. I know I'm alive. I have people I love dearly. I have things I want to do with my life. I rail against myself for not being able to remember things - but I still have moments in the day of pure happiness and joy. And please do not think that I am suffering. I am not suffering. I am struggling. Struggling to be part of things, to stay connected to whom I was once. So, 'live in the moment' I tell myself. It's really all I can do, live in the moment. And not beat myself up too much... and not beat myself up too much for mastering the art of losing. One thing I will try to hold onto though is the memory of speaking here today. It will go, I know it will. It may be gone by tomorrow. But it means so much to be talking here, today, like my old ambitious self who was so fascinated by communication. Thank you for this opportunity. It means the world to me. Thank you.
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posted : November 2, 2014
The more you know someone, the more he/she feels like a stranger to you. It's a very sad but harsh reality I've come to realise. You think you know someone inside out and that it should be a blessing. But, what if it turns out to be curse? They expect your ideals and beliefs to be in line with theirs. But, what if values are different, does friendship just end?
I hate doing complicated. And feeling like less of a person. We all age, change, mature differently in our own ways. There is no right and wrong. It is circumstances that force us to grow or not grow. Depending on which way you look at it. Back to being a blessing or curse.
I always keep going back to the point it's easier when you don't wear your heart on your sleeve. The one who loves less, always win.
Let's try. After all, today was supposed to be about new beginnings. It feels like last night opened up a whole gateway of emotions and judgements.
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look at the stars, look how they shine for you.
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